


Brother

by Hopestallion



Series: My life and thoughts in song [1]
Category: No Fandom, own work - Fandom, self written
Genre: Depression, Emotions, Pain, happiness, selfhate, selfloathing, selflove, talk about depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-08 23:08:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3226925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopestallion/pseuds/Hopestallion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The song of Mighty Oaks always made me think of my life, ever since i had heard it for the first time. These are some thoughts, i had to write down, so i wouldn't lose myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brother

**Author's Note:**

  * For [headbxtaincharge](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=headbxtaincharge), [onehaleofabeta](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=onehaleofabeta), [iwantedtostaythere](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=iwantedtostaythere).



**We had howl**

Sometimes I find myself, sitting in my room and thinking. There is no music, there is no distraction from my thoughts. And it feels like one of those slides, where you feel that pull behind your navel. Falling into the thoughts, you think you could banish from your head forever.

I find myself thinking back of summers, spent in the room of my best friend. Of days, spoken about heartache, about the unfairness of life and our wishes. So prominent, we knew the color of our wedding invitations by the color chart.

I miss those days-.....

I think about the fights I fought, won and lost. About the arguments made, just because I had to know. What wasn't mine to know anyway.

And while I stumbled through life, like anyone else? I found myself believing that I was special. And don't we all? Wish to be special? Wish that what is happening to us, isn't happening to anyone else around us. That we have a reason to cry at night, laugh in the afternoon and curse the morning. Because it's too early and you haven't slept the whole night.

I remember it, as if it was yesterday. When we talked about love. Hoped that we would find it, when we were old enough to understand it. And you did... I never got to tell you how proud I was of you. That you married the man you loved and that you did the bravest thing anyone could have done.

I still don't think it was a smart choice, you know me. Always pragmatic, always thinking of the future – but not the now... And while I believe it was right to marry the man of your dreams, it could have waited at least a year or two, so you'd have your bachelors....

It could be the little bit of envy I am feeling. For that man, having all of your attention for the rest of his life. When we cut ties, for things that are out of my hand. That were never in mine. And while you believed them and disregarded me. I want you to know, that I would have forgiven you anything, everything... if you just had talked to me...

Maybe it truly is me.... who can't uphold a friendship... when everyone I befriended walked out the door, without turning around...

_**to my best friend, who rather left the country than to see me one last time. I do still love you** _

**We had run around**   
**In the summer in the nighttime**   
**We made no sound**   
**And deep in the forest we get lost**   
**Whistle to the Birds as they call**   
**Go on Trips**   
**Moving with weather as it shifts**   
**We took to the seas and let it drift**   
**How many islands could we hear?**

When I tell people how I met you? I tell them that it was adventurous, that you did some grand gesture, I won't remember the next day anymore. And I only talk in the heat of the moment, when the memory of you suffocates me.

I tell them that, because the truth is so much harder to grasp and understand. To admit, that I wasn't strong enough to continue life, when I had been in an age where life wasn't even something I should have thought about.

But if I don't write it down, at least once. I will forget one day and I don't think I could ever forgive myself for that.

I met you on a playground. My legs swinging, the tip of my shoes making lines into the sand, each time a little deeper. Each time a little darker sand to the foreground. And I remember, how I stubbornly looked down. Even when the swing next to me got occupied and it wasn't just my feet dragging lines, into the sand.

Never will I forget the sound you made, when you cleared your throat. Three times.... Because I tried to ignore you so badly, in hopes you would just leave.

”Why are you crying?” it made me cry... I hadn't been crying, but it made me cry. Because deep down? I was drowning on tears, like Alice... who cried so many tears that she filled he small round room.

You were taller than me, older than me and yet I never felt belittled. I felt like someone was listening to me, someone **wanted** to listen to me. And I told you everything...

Your gentle touch to my hand, will always be burned into my skin. Like a scar, a reminder of the man I loved more, than I would love life itself.

Again I don't understand what made you leave. Why you thought it was okay, to fall asleep and never wake up again.

I can't forget that afternoon, I never will.

It was still warm outside, but you never had seen me with a skirt. And I never wore one, not even that day. You made a joke about it, told me I would suffocate on it one day. I would overheat and just combust. I should have known back then, that it would be the last afternoon spent together. It had a certain melancholy to it. Listening to piano pieces on the old cd-player you had.

While I laid down next to you on the bed, my head resting right over your heart. Ear pressed against your warm skin, I could always drown in that unique scent of your body. Seeping through the T-shirt you were wearing. And wasn't that a dead giveaway? You never wore anything but button down shirts...

Even now, when I lay in bed at night? When I sleep and know, you won't be back ever again? I still feel your hand in my hair, brushing through it. Chuckling at the curled tangles, lifting locks to your lips. Pressing a kiss, making soft comments about how you loved them, when they weren't straightened. I haven't worn my hair long ever again since that day and never open like that.

You made me listen to Celine Dion, I think not even death would be able to convince me of that ever again. But you did and we listened to her best off, even the piano version. I fell asleep, with your voice in my ear, your arm around my waist, your heartbeat in my ear. And your scent like a cocoon around me.

Just to wake up to dead silence, from a chest that would never rise. And as morbid as it was? **“Till death do us apart”** , has never been more true.

_**To the man, who died without knowing I loved him just as much. I do love you...** _

**I'd follow you**   
**To the end of the world if only you would ask me to**   
**On and on we go, my brother**   
**I've got you**   
**Nothing to stop us now**   
**Because we found in life what's true**   
**Oh my brother I'd follow you**

I never had a brother, or well I do now. But I never had one that was older than me. That loved me like a sister. Treated me like one and kept tabs on me

Because in my very own family I was the eldest and I was fine with that. Until I met you and you kept annoying the hell out of me.

That day I was sick to death and stayed on the computer, to be able to chat with you? I remember how you threatened to log out, if I didn't go to bed. And you followed through with it, because you knew I was a stubborn little shit

There were the conversation, about future perspective and you were one of the only ones. Who didn't laugh,when I told him, that I wanted to go into forensics. Do you know that I am going to be an attorney now? How life has changed right?

We didn't share any blood, we would never be able to. Because our family were as different as any two stranger families could be.

First of all? You were Japanese and I was Arabic. Well how can that work, right? I mean your dad made you do martial arts and forced you to go to tea ceremonies, cause that's what traditional families do. Mine forced me to spend with the family and become an acceptable wife.

We both couldn't have been further away, from what our families wanted from us, than any two strangers could. And we found to each other. I was younger, you were older. I was full of mischief and you were the voice of reason. Wait doesn't that sound a lot like Thor and Loki? Well I got the dark hair, you got the muscles. I think we worked that way...

Most Japanese words I learned through you, most nights I spent writing you and most of the time? You knew me better than anyone ever could.

I spent the night crying, I remember it clear as day. Because after that, I spent almost every single night crying myself to sleep. You left...

It wasn't because you wanted to, but because you had to. And the whole night we talked? You spent, telling me about everything. How things would be in Japan, how things could be, if you were allowed to come back. You made me laugh that night and smile. You knew I was crying, although I didn't say a word.

You seemed to always know, without me saying a word. It were little things that gave me away, but you never told me what they were. Just simply made sure that I was happy, that nothing else mattered. Like it never mattered any differently to me... I wanted you happy...

_**To the man who wanted to be my big brother, although he knew I was crazy. I still do love you nii-san** _

**In my faded truck**   
**We shot across the country to find our luck**   
**And the youth inside would scream and shout**   
**Like a dagger in the heart we ripped it out**

I didn't feel safe as a child, not because I didn't have any family. Oh I did... but it was that family, that didn't make me feel safe. Not my mom or my dad, not my sisters, aunts or that one uncle I loved a lot.

It was the shadow of the man, that I **had to** love a lot. Someone who told me over and over, that it was for my own good. Whom I trusted.

I can't remember anymore, how many bruises I hid, how many lies I told and how many times I hid. But I remember, the shame.

How I felt that it was my fault, how I thought I deserved it.

I remember the nights in which I wished my dad would hold me. Or my mom would kiss my forehead, telling me that I was perfect. That I was as they wished me to be

But I wasn't.

I wasn't the boy my dad wished for, the one he could play soccer with or see himself in. Instead I was a daughter, I was soft and demanding, because I didn't know how else to get his attention. I tried so hard to learn his language, as best as I could. So that would be our connection

It took me 22 years and 8 months, to understand. That whatever I would do? He would never love me, like I would wish him to. He would never see the person in me, I am working so hard to be.

I wasn't the kind of girl my mom would have wished for. I wasn't quiet as my sister was. I wasn't as beautiful as my other was or a boy like my little brother.

A trouble maker, a liar, deceiver, omitter of truth, harbor of secrets. And while she suspected it, she didn't know. Caught the obvious lies, caught the obvious things. Never bothered to look deeper, than I let her see

And yes I stole things from a shop, for her attention. Because I knew that that's what kids do, but I didn't have to. I just was wondering, if she'd see anything else, but the fault I had made.... I guess she did not...

While years passed and I held a grudge in my chest locked tight, because of it. I slowly realized her own misery and misfortune. I saw that she had been nothing else, but **me**. Someone who needed a place to be, someone who needed a purpose.

And while I never will understand the love for my dad, who ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I will try to find the love, for the woman who tried so hard, against all odds. Because I slowly start to see that I did more wrong than right

**_ To the father I wish i'd have been enough and the mother, I wish I could love more. I do love you both _ **

**And we had laugh through the night**   
**Call the star's**   
**By the fire shining on**   
**Through the night**   
**We will run**   
**To the rising life and on**   
**Through the night**   
**Burn the flames**   
**The world will know our Names**

In all that misery that happened, all the friends I lost and found. All the things I did and did not. There are three things I won't regret for the life of mine. Or well you could say three people.

The way I met them is kinda lame, anyone here knows roleplaying? Pretending to be a character, to either play all your fantasies out, how that character in that certain book, show,movie whatever could have been happy or sad. Or to simply run away from the life that liked to torture you, over a barbecue fire?

Well I found them, playing a character I had created. A girl that I could never be, but I wish I somehow I would one day.... I found them playing someone, that I would have loved.

Because I doubt names will do you any good, I might as well call them by the names of their character. And just because the names sound female or male? It won't give you any hint as to who they are. But they will know anyway.

I met Dean, when my world was crumbling for the first time.

My beloved had passed away, my parents got a divorce, school was slipping out of my grasp. And I could feel how the sadness had my heart in a tight grip.

That's when Dean came in, literally knocked me off my feet – I think I stumbled over my chucks that day and landed flat on my face – don't ever tell him. I pretended to be so cool about it anyway.

It was a simple ask that kicked off a friendship, that I would sell my soul to keep. A friendship that touched me so deeply in so many ways, that one day? I was questioning my sanity for real.

He found out things about me, that I didn't dare to tell anyone and yes – we talked about a certain person's penis for a lengthier period of nightly time – but that person won't ever find out and therefore I am safe.

And he told me things, secrets, feelings and wishes. That I didn't think anyone would. Secrets I treasure, locked in a small box, deep inside the place where my human soul would be. If I had one

Dean was my best friend in a time, where I didn't think I deserved someone. After all I had been through, after all I had given up. There was this ray of sunshine that smiled at me, that gave me hope. Hope two other people would just cement

I met Erica and Derek two years later

**And I'd follow you**   
**To the end of the world if only you would ask me to**   
**On and on we go, my brother**   
**I've got you**   
**Nothing to stop us now**   
**Because we found in life what's true**   
**Oh my brother I'd follow you**   
**I'd follow you**   
**To the end of the world if only you would ask me to**   
**On and on we go, my brother**   
**I've got you**   
**Nothing to stop us now**   
**Because we found in life what's true**   
**And I will follow you!**

By now, I think how I met them is crazy. I doubt I remember it correctly anymore... I don't know...

I admired them from afar, I knew that. I wanted what they had, my greedy little heart wishing for a friendship. Where you called the other –dick face– without having to fear, to have crossed a line.

A friendship, where walking the whole day, to see things that could make you cry. Was worth all the blisters on my calves. A friendship, where I could only cry about leaving them, when I was sure that Erica couldn't see me anymore.

They made me feel human in the best possible way. Loved, like I hadn't felt in so long.

Erica kept me grounded, kicked my ass for certain things. Loved me for others. Had a strong mind, a sense of humor that was morbid. And I am not talking about the HC-jokes. Now if you know what I mean, you guessed correctly... at this point I stuck out my tongue.-

Derek loved me, where I didn't think I could love myself. Let me know each and every day, that I was – still am important to them. Derek shows the emotions that Erica, in a lot of ways bottles up and lets you know subtly, with hints. While Derek just kicked your door in – can you imagine Derek singing you love songs? By now I won't get that picture out of my head again...

They gave me back who I thought I had lost a long the way. They brought me back, to the little girl. With big dreams, with love and happiness. A little less bitter – I like to call it realism– with a little more heart to beat for a little longer.

Life is going to be hard on me I know. There will be nights, where I will cry myself to sleep again.

There will be nights, when I feel an arm around my waist, wake up and find the bed empty. Cry myself to sleep and hate the world

There will be nights, I will be brimming with happiness. So much that I will sing along my playlist, dance in my room and fall to bed. Knowing I am loved

There will be nights, where I have to comfort you, take your pain and try to hold it for both of us.

But where nights are, there also are mornings. And where storms are, is the silence after.

_**I find myself with you three... looking forward, to the silence, the laughter, the mornings and the nights. To every emotion, because I now understand... it makes me be alive.** _

_**For the three people that made me love life again. I will always love you** _


End file.
